Madam Elkypants

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 16:37:39 GMT

Hello little smurfs :3

Tomorrow I have to go to a big family gathering. I don't speak to my extended family, ever. There are a few ways I could go about avoiding intense feelings of awkwardness in this situation, but by far the most popular option in my mind is to drink until I am numb and don't recognise anyone. Making a good impression will be of no importance once I throw up into a pot-plant. Or soil myself. Or both.

It is my staunch belief that attempting any conversation with these people while not intoxicated would be equivalent to digging a hole in the ground, setting myself on fire, then slowly burying myself as I burn to death. They are strangers, foreign and scary and full of information I don't give a shit about. To an extent this is how I view most people by default, but because they are relatives my social anxiety is magnified tenfold. Man up you say? Shut the fuck up and deal with it? Okay, but first...

Thank you alcohol. Thank you for being there when we humans are forced to interact for formality, while our insides scrunch themselves into a throbbing ball of unease. You calm our nerves, make us believe we are invincible and then exit our bodies blended into a mixture of bile and lunch, fucking up our liver just that little bit more each and every time. This is going to be a terrible segue.

My lady Shea (I'm so sorry babe, if you're reading this I promise I'll never mention you straight after talking about vomit again) is living it up on some kind of tropical island at the moment attending a fancy-free barefoot wedding, so I have to face this alone. Although, making her come with me would probably only exacerbate matters of mindless small-talk wankery. For example, "Oh hi [insert relative here], I haven't seen or spoken to you since puberty. Also I'm a lesbian." You could cut the air with a knife and serve it instead of cake. I hope there is cake. Not air-cake though, that is not the delicious kind[1].

[1]The delicious kind.

I probably won't let you know how this goes, so if you wasted your time reading this the best conclusion I can offer is a picture of a rabbit smoking a bong[2].

[2]I can't think of any rabbit-weed puns. If you can, please comment, as I would love to hear them.

I hope all is going well in your worlds, and if not, you should change servers.

Elkypants

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:46:05 GMT

Despite this amusing video, I don't really want this game. I'm convinced the whole "sandbox" style many games are trying to copy from GTA won't satisfy me unless it is actually produced by Rockstar. Even then...I'll always compare. Forever.

Tue, 12 May 2009 06:59:09 GMT

Oh what a cool looking keybo-LOL CHUBBY NERD HANDS

Just so gamers don't feel like they have to lose any weight before rushing out to purchase this keyboard that will allow them to perform more headshots, more barrel rolls, and frag their way to winfinity. All the while eating lard out of a bucket to numb the pain of their own overweight failure of a social life.

<3

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 11:38:34 GMT

This is my brain.

Elkypants

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:32:08 GMT

Hey guize,

I don't know if any of you will actually be able to relate to/enjoy the subject matter of this post, but...wait...that's never concerned me whyamIconcerned?

Shea00 and I and every lesbian in the world agree that the last episode of The L Word was shit. Shitter than shit. If you collected animal faeces for ten-thousand years and piled it into a cartridge of film and called it "The L Word Season 6 Episode 08", even that wouldn't be shit enough to describe how shit it was. The series itself was never fantastic, but it was entertaining. The series finale was immensely and unfathomably inconclusive, vague, unsatisfying and infuriating, all at once, up your ass.

So we've decided to make our own lesbian series! Each episode will consist of a forty minute sex scene and a ten minute gay nightclub scene. That is basically the premise of every L Word episode, so we assume this will sell.

Step 1: Find lesbians at the Beat willing to act in lesbian porno/drama. If this step fails upon initial proposals, intoxication measures may be necessary.

Step 2: Rob a bottle shop. Surprisingly enough we don't have the money to pay the ~~hoes~~ actors, so our logical solution is to steal a lot of alcohol and pay them with that. If they don't accept that as a sufficient form of payment, intoxication measures may be necessary.

Step 3: Film extended gayness. Intoxication measures may be necessary.

Step 4: We didn't get this far. ???????????

Step 5: Profit!

This will go well.

Elkypants

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 06:03:56 GMT

But oh how I wish it did.

Elkypants

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 06:48:19 GMT

Hello.

edit: wait yes it does

edit edit: but only on the comment page

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:37:58 GMT

Oh really? You're embarrassed I asked you for your ID? Your friends didn't seem to give a shit. Most people would be flattered. Or are you proud of looking old? I apologise for not being able to rest my eyes upon your hideous face long enough to judge how old you are. Generally, I ask everyone for their ID unless they look like they're about to die, because I don't want the store to get a $20000 fine, nor do I want to personally receive an $8000 fine. I wish I had spat in your shiraz you angry, sad, little man.

Now to finance, and don't ever buy from http://www.megaware.com.au.

If they sell you something that doesn't work, they will do everything possible to refuse you a refund. A month or so ago I purchased a $229 motherboard from them (Asus M3A32-MVP-Deluxe if you care), which, after a day or two of trying to get to work, a trip to the PC repair store and $60 later, turned out to be fucked. So I read their returns policy which stated (at the time) that only non-defective products had to be returned with their complete original packaging:

"Non-defective products must be returned in their original conditions and packaging and accompanied with a copy of the invoice withing 7 days of purchase."

So I returned the motherboard, minus a cardboard cover slip that slides over the actual box that contains the motherboard. This piece of cardboard was roughly 30 x 40cms. I threw it out because I didn't expect to be sold a defective pile of shit in a box. Other than that though, every single part of the original packaging was included in what I returned to them. These cats are in Sydney by the way, so that was another $30 for express postage.

Three days later after receiving no emails or phone calls regarding if they'd received the package or not, I sent them an email. A very polite email, which said something along the lines of have you got my shitting package yet you dirty swindling pigs. They replied with yes, and that they weren't going to give me a refund unless I sent them the cardboard slip. I told them that I didn't have it, and that it shouldn't be a problem due to the nature of their returns policy (and why did they need the complete packaging anyway if they weren't going to try and sell it again). They advised me the particular section (now) applied to defective products also, and then changed the returns policy on their website to reflect this. They didn't tell me of course, and I only found out when Shea00 linked me back to Megaware's website when we were discussing the issue as well as what a bitter and begrudging person I am:

"Non defective or defective products must be returned in their original conditions and packaging and accompanied with a copy of the invoice within 7 days of purchase."

They also added a section 3:

"Megaware Computers under any situations will not provide any full refund after 7 days of purchase."

They then sent me an email stating I had to wait for "ASUS" to decide whether they would accept the faulty motherboard without the precious piece of cardboard, and give Megaware store credit to pass on to me as a refund.

So I waited. Almost three weeks. Then, I sent them an email that said that it was illegal for them to sell faulty products and refuse a refund, and that if they didn't give me my money back I was going to file a claim against them and seek not only the cost of the motherboard, but also the cost of the repair store's diagnosis and the cost of return shipping. GUESS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED.

On the same day I sent the threatening email, I received a reply MINUTES later, stating that OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE Asus had called them JUST THEN and confirmed the store credit! What. A fucking. Coincidence.

TLDR: I got my refund.

Happy new year kiddies.

Elkypants

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 17:31:58 GMT

HELLO

Our roof was leaking like a motherfucker, and this is the cause and my solution to the problem. Point out my flaws and help make it better!

My house is not built for rain. Stupid Australia. I realise the small gap could cause problems with leaf build up also, but that might be solved with mesh.

Wub,

Elky

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 18:28:49 GMT

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 23:32:56 GMT

Story of my life.

Sex,

Elfacepants

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:03:22 GMT

I made this. I'm proud.

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 14:17:53 GMT

I now work at The Coffee Club in the city. I make sandwiches a lot.

Anyway, I found tiny weenie condoms in the first aid kit! I immediately assumed they were for some kind of disturbing initiation ceremony involving rape. The condoms are tiny because all men who work in hospitality are small, weak and infertile. Except the multitudes of gay men, whose penis size equates to their extreme amounts of flamboyant homosexual confidence. Their initiation ceremony is probably just a giant orgy out back, every man naked and oiled with kitchen grease.

People like to stare at me through the little kitchen window while I make their food, just to make sure I don't defecate in it. Unluckily for them, I usually do my defecatin' in the food when I "duck down to get something out of the fridge". Hah! Not really. But seriously. I do.

Bye.

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 11:29:29 GMT

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 09:38:03 GMT

Here's my timeGAYble:

Monday:

MSTU1001 C = 4 - 5:50pm
MSTU1001 L = 6 - 7:20pm

Wednesday:

ARTT1105 L = 12 - 1:50pm
ARTT1105 T = 3 - 3:50pm
JOUR1111 L = 4 - 4:50pm

Thursday:

PHIL1012 L = 10 - 11:50am
PHIL1012 T = 12 - 12:50pm
MSTU1001 T = 1 - 2:20pm

Friday:

JOUR1111 T = 10 - 11:50am

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Elkypants

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 23:54:37 GMT

Guess what you guys. Too late! I will tell you!

It's PRIDE DAY this Saturday!

Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay

Yeah!

Elkypants

Sun, 11 May 2008 14:08:47 GMT

Hi!

Sorry about that last post, it appears I was temporarily possessed by Satan! Haha! Oh dear!

Have some Gustave Doré.

Elkypants

Fri, 09 May 2008 15:53:09 GMT

I am a giant phag.

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 04:14:27 GMT

We're going.

Where?

To make sandwiches.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 10:02:29 GMT

Salutations smellies,

I quit my job, and I'll be burning my Coles shirt possibly this weekend. You're all invited. Maybe.

I was considering mailing them the ashes, but they're all stupid bogans and wouldn't understand my profound statement. God I'm intelligent.

My arms are cold. I'll flail them warm.

Speaking of arms, mine have tiny holes in them, because I got vaccinated today for cervical cancer and influenza. Then Dr Reece did some kind of blood vessel constriction test on me. I don't know why. I just wanted needles with anti-disease in my biceps. I certainly hope he doesn't take the information home and masturbate furiously to my healthy heart rate.

sdkjgbkasdgjbasdogihaso;dhgasd;!!!!!!!!!

Pler,

Ellypants

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 09:35:23 GMT

Here you go niggaz:

Monday:

• 12:00pm -1:50pm: PHIL1010 L

Tuesday:

• 10:00am – 11:50am: ARTT1106 L
• 12:00pm – 12:50pm: PHIL1010 T14
• 2:00pm – 2:50pm: ARTT1106 T2

Wednesday:

• 10:00am – 11:50am: PSYC1020 L
• 2:00pm – 3:50pm: SOCY1050 L

Thursday:

• 12:00pm – 12:50pm: SOCY1050 T11
• 3:00pm – 3:50pm: PSYC1020 T30

Peace out,

Elkypants

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 16:17:03 GMT

A junkie from the flats next door crashed his car into our back steps yesterday.

Elkypants

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 16:31:03 GMT

Myspace makes me uneasy. I get this funny feeling when I visit it. I feel as if I'm in an overpopulated society where everybody knows something important that I don't. I am missing something. I have to acquire this space, tell everyone everything about myself, and arrange my friends in order of how much I like them/how much they will bitch at me if I don't put them as my first friend, in order to be cool.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cool_%28aesthetic%29

The sum and substance of cool is a self-conscious aplomb in overall behavior, which entails a set of specific behavioral characteristics that is firmly anchored in symbology, a set of discernible bodily movements, postures, facial expressions and voice modulations that are acquired and take on strategic social value within the peer context.[3]

Cool as an elusive essence

According to this theory, cool is a real, but unknowable property. Cool, like "good", is a property that exists, but can only be sought after.[2] In the New Yorker article, "The Coolhunt"[42], cool is given three characteristics:

* "The act of discovering what's cool is what causes cool to move on"
* "Cool cannot be manufactured, only observed"
* "[Cool] can only be observed by those who are themselves cool".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Lets define ourselves in writing on a website:

- I value myself based on the number of comments I receive on my blog!
- I like looking at myself a lot, you should too! I believe I am beautiful and I want to share my attractiveness with you all! Here is my favourite picture of myself!
- This is the music I like! Do you like it too? If you don't then you have to go away. If you do, you have to:

a) hit caps lock
b) forget grammar, punctuation and spelling
c) pretend you just took speed
d) tell me how amazing I am for flinging myself adoringly into the fan-base of a group, rendering it's current participants with company and confidence.

The sickness of the fear of being alone spreads. Constant reassurance that we are satisfactory, we are needed, we are valued, we are necessary, we are thought about, we are striven to be like, and we are wanted, is given so often to those who don't require it but crave it, because of the fear.

I have the fear. I hate the fear. Most of us have the fear in varying degrees, unless we overcome the fear. It is an accomplishment that alludes healthy humans. Why?

Seclusion and lack of dependence is absolute control over everything in our existence.

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 14:07:59 GMT

Good morrow younglings!

Shit, I left my China-pwesent-from-Sailsar kitty gloves in Shea's bag.

I'm happy ^-^. See that happy face? That's how happy. I have some money, and my friends are back from their various adventures.

Meanwhile, life at Coles is consistently boring as piss. Many insane people work at Coles, and I don't mean "ho ho, Berthingtonson is one CRAZY dude!", I mean these people need to be institutionalised. You talk to them for two minutes, and you feel stupider.

There is a guy called Nathan. He talks online to "aw yeah man this dirty little nineteen year old blonde chick from Sydney". When I mentioned to him that he was actually talking to a fat lonely forty year-old man, he seemed to brush away my comments, happy to live on a delirious fantasy island inhabited by young attractive blonde women who have NOTHING better to do with their time than talk to gauntly horny geekish men who work at Coles.

There is a guy called Daniel. He is twenty-two years old. His main goal in life is to be married within two years. He has never had and does not currently have a girlfriend. Also, he's abstinent and has eyes that bore into your soul if you talk to him for long enough. Yes, he's one of those staring guys. I think the main issue I have with his face (I have many an issue with various people's faces) is that he never shows much expression with his eyebrows. He'll smile...but always with that hint of, "I'm only smiling so you'll think I'm human, if you work nights next week I'm going to follow you home, rape you, kill you, cut you into small pieces and then have sex with each piece of you."

Guess what else! We're not allowed to sell chicken nuggets by weight anymore. They're 25c each. So if you want to buy a kilo of chicken nuggets, we must count EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NUGGET until it gets to a kilo, then multiply the number of nuggets by 25c! COLES SERVES YOU BETTER BITCHES.

It's interesting. When I think I'd better update this thing and I have nothing to say, I just think about how much I despise Coles and ideas flow through my fingertips.

Toodles yall, hope the diddly dees in your ladoodillies go swiffipillic.

Elkypants

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 15:02:45 GMT

Someone beat me. Please.