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[30 Aug 2009|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 cardiac arrest, heart on head |
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music |
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how did it get there shit |
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Hello little smurfs :3
Tomorrow I have to go to a big family gathering. I don't speak to my extended family, ever. There are a few ways I could go about avoiding intense feelings of awkwardness in this situation, but by far the most popular option in my mind is to drink until I am numb and don't recognise anyone. Making a good impression will be of no importance once I throw up into a pot-plant. Or soil myself. Or both.
It is my staunch belief that attempting any conversation with these people while not intoxicated would be equivalent to digging a hole in the ground, setting myself on fire, then slowly burying myself as I burn to death. They are strangers, foreign and scary and full of information I don't give a shit about. To an extent this is how I view most people by default, but because they are relatives my social anxiety is magnified tenfold. Man up you say? Shut the fuck up and deal with it? Okay, but first...
Thank you alcohol. Thank you for being there when we humans are forced to interact for formality, while our insides scrunch themselves into a throbbing ball of unease. You calm our nerves, make us believe we are invincible and then exit our bodies blended into a mixture of bile and lunch, fucking up our liver just that little bit more each and every time. This is going to be a terrible segue.
My lady Shea (I'm so sorry babe, if you're reading this I promise I'll never mention you straight after talking about vomit again) is living it up on some kind of tropical island at the moment attending a fancy-free barefoot wedding, so I have to face this alone. Although, making her come with me would probably only exacerbate matters of mindless small-talk wankery. For example, "Oh hi [insert relative here], I haven't seen or spoken to you since puberty. Also I'm a lesbian." You could cut the air with a knife and serve it instead of cake. I hope there is cake. Not air-cake though, that is not the delicious kind[1].
[1]The delicious kind.
I probably won't let you know how this goes, so if you wasted your time reading this the best conclusion I can offer is a picture of a rabbit smoking a bong[2].
[2]I can't think of any rabbit-weed puns. If you can, please comment, as I would love to hear them.
I hope all is going well in your worlds, and if not, you should change servers.
Elkypants
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[15 Jun 2009|09:44pm] |
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mood |
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 brain fart |
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Despite this amusing video, I don't really want this game. I'm convinced the whole "sandbox" style many games are trying to copy from GTA won't satisfy me unless it is actually produced by Rockstar. Even then...I'll always compare. Forever.
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[12 May 2009|04:44pm] |
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mood |
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 Sudden fluxes of redface |
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music |
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Aphex Twin |
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Oh what a cool looking keybo-LOL CHUBBY NERD HANDS
Just so gamers don't feel like they have to lose any weight before rushing out to purchase this keyboard that will allow them to perform more headshots, more barrel rolls, and frag their way to winfinity. All the while eating lard out of a bucket to numb the pain of their own overweight failure of a social life.
<3
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[23 Mar 2009|09:07pm] |
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mood |
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 gold excretions from head |
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This is my brain.
Elkypants
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[13 Mar 2009|03:16am] |
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mood |
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 Lines swarming, eyes halving |
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music |
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Mr. Oizo |
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Hey guize,
I don't know if any of you will actually be able to relate to/enjoy the subject matter of this post, but...wait...that's never concerned me whyamIconcerned?
Shea00 and I and every lesbian in the world agree that the last episode of The L Word was shit. Shitter than shit. If you collected animal faeces for ten-thousand years and piled it into a cartridge of film and called it "The L Word Season 6 Episode 08", even that wouldn't be shit enough to describe how shit it was. The series itself was never fantastic, but it was entertaining. The series finale was immensely and unfathomably inconclusive, vague, unsatisfying and infuriating, all at once, up your ass.
So we've decided to make our own lesbian series! Each episode will consist of a forty minute sex scene and a ten minute gay nightclub scene. That is basically the premise of every L Word episode, so we assume this will sell.
Step 1: Find lesbians at the Beat willing to act in lesbian porno/drama. If this step fails upon initial proposals, intoxication measures may be necessary.
Step 2: Rob a bottle shop. Surprisingly enough we don't have the money to pay the hoes actors, so our logical solution is to steal a lot of alcohol and pay them with that. If they don't accept that as a sufficient form of payment, intoxication measures may be necessary.
Step 3: Film extended gayness. Intoxication measures may be necessary.
Step 4: We didn't get this far. ???????????
Step 5: Profit!
This will go well.
Elkypants
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[10 Mar 2009|04:01pm] |
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mood |
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 This is the face for "touched" |
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music |
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Daft Punk |
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But oh how I wish it did.
Elkypants
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[24 Jan 2009|04:41pm] |
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mood |
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 Z's squashing eyes |
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music |
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Why are they so heavy |
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Hello.
edit: wait yes it does
edit edit: but only on the comment page
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[01 Jan 2009|03:25am] |
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mood |
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 there is something very wrong |
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music |
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Mesak |
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Oh really? You're embarrassed I asked you for your ID? Your friends didn't seem to give a shit. Most people would be flattered. Or are you proud of looking old? I apologise for not being able to rest my eyes upon your hideous face long enough to judge how old you are. Generally, I ask everyone for their ID unless they look like they're about to die, because I don't want the store to get a $20000 fine, nor do I want to personally receive an $8000 fine. I wish I had spat in your shiraz you angry, sad, little man.
Now to finance, and don't ever buy from http://www.megaware.com.au.
If they sell you something that doesn't work, they will do everything possible to refuse you a refund. A month or so ago I purchased a $229 motherboard from them (Asus M3A32-MVP-Deluxe if you care), which, after a day or two of trying to get to work, a trip to the PC repair store and $60 later, turned out to be fucked. So I read their returns policy which stated (at the time) that only non-defective products had to be returned with their complete original packaging:
"Non-defective products must be returned in their original conditions and packaging and accompanied with a copy of the invoice withing 7 days of purchase."
So I returned the motherboard, minus a cardboard cover slip that slides over the actual box that contains the motherboard. This piece of cardboard was roughly 30 x 40cms. I threw it out because I didn't expect to be sold a defective pile of shit in a box. Other than that though, every single part of the original packaging was included in what I returned to them. These cats are in Sydney by the way, so that was another $30 for express postage.
Three days later after receiving no emails or phone calls regarding if they'd received the package or not, I sent them an email. A very polite email, which said something along the lines of have you got my shitting package yet you dirty swindling pigs. They replied with yes, and that they weren't going to give me a refund unless I sent them the cardboard slip. I told them that I didn't have it, and that it shouldn't be a problem due to the nature of their returns policy (and why did they need the complete packaging anyway if they weren't going to try and sell it again). They advised me the particular section (now) applied to defective products also, and then changed the returns policy on their website to reflect this. They didn't tell me of course, and I only found out when Shea00 linked me back to Megaware's website when we were discussing the issue as well as what a bitter and begrudging person I am:
"Non defective or defective products must be returned in their original conditions and packaging and accompanied with a copy of the invoice within 7 days of purchase."
They also added a section 3:
"Megaware Computers under any situations will not provide any full refund after 7 days of purchase."
They then sent me an email stating I had to wait for "ASUS" to decide whether they would accept the faulty motherboard without the precious piece of cardboard, and give Megaware store credit to pass on to me as a refund.
So I waited. Almost three weeks. Then, I sent them an email that said that it was illegal for them to sell faulty products and refuse a refund, and that if they didn't give me my money back I was going to file a claim against them and seek not only the cost of the motherboard, but also the cost of the repair store's diagnosis and the cost of return shipping. GUESS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED.
On the same day I sent the threatening email, I received a reply MINUTES later, stating that OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE Asus had called them JUST THEN and confirmed the store credit! What. A fucking. Coincidence.
TLDR: I got my refund.
Happy new year kiddies.
Elkypants
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[20 Nov 2008|03:22am] |
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mood |
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 moist |
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music |
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Tool |
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HELLO
Our roof was leaking like a motherfucker, and this is the cause and my solution to the problem. Point out my flaws and help make it better!
My house is not built for rain. Stupid Australia. I realise the small gap could cause problems with leaf build up also, but that might be solved with mesh.
Wub,
Elky
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[29 Oct 2008|04:26am] |
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mood |
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AROUSED |
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music |
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the early morning bird calls |
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[25 Oct 2008|09:28am] |
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mood |
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 High |
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music |
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Daft Punk |
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Story of my life.
Sex,
Elfacepants
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[11 Sep 2008|09:54am] |
I made this. I'm proud.
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[04 Aug 2008|09:27pm] |
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mood |
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 gay |
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music |
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Strapping Young Lad |
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[23 Jul 2008|06:54pm] |
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mood |
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 sky entering face |
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music |
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Monster Zoku Onsomb |
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Here's my timeGAYble:
Monday:
- MSTU1001 C = 4 - 5:50pm
- MSTU1001 L = 6 - 7:20pm
Wednesday:
- ARTT1105 L = 12 - 1:50pm
- ARTT1105 T = 3 - 3:50pm
- JOUR1111 L = 4 - 4:50pm
Thursday:
- PHIL1012 L = 10 - 11:50am
- PHIL1012 T = 12 - 12:50pm
- MSTU1001 T = 1 - 2:20pm
Friday:
- JOUR1111 T = 10 - 11:50am
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
Elkypants
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[12 Jun 2008|08:42am] |
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mood |
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Eyes rotating |
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music |
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The Sword |
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Guess what you guys. Too late! I will tell you!
Yeah!
Elkypants
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[11 May 2008|11:45pm] |
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mood |
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gassyhead |
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music |
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Aphex Twin |
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Hi!
Sorry about that last post, it appears I was temporarily possessed by Satan! Haha! Oh dear!
Have some Gustave Doré.
Elkypants
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[10 May 2008|01:52am] |
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I am a giant phag.
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[29 Apr 2008|02:03pm] |
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mood |
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robotface |
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music |
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Tool |
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We're going.
Where?
To make sandwiches.
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[09 Apr 2008|07:14pm] |
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mood |
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 disco face vibration |
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music |
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Nine Inch Nails |
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Salutations smellies,
I quit my job, and I'll be burning my Coles shirt possibly this weekend. You're all invited. Maybe.
I was considering mailing them the ashes, but they're all stupid bogans and wouldn't understand my profound statement. God I'm intelligent.
My arms are cold. I'll flail them warm.
Speaking of arms, mine have tiny holes in them, because I got vaccinated today for cervical cancer and influenza. Then Dr Reece did some kind of blood vessel constriction test on me. I don't know why. I just wanted needles with anti-disease in my biceps. I certainly hope he doesn't take the information home and masturbate furiously to my healthy heart rate.
sdkjgbkasdgjbasdogihaso;dhgasd;!!!!!!!!!
Pler,
Ellypants
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elky_filth's journal
